Reinventing myself

by - Sunday, February 03, 2019

When I woke up in bed, the first day of 2019, I felt nothing.

Not excited, not motivated, not feeling interested in starting a new year. I was merely existing. And that sucked.

I'm going to be vulnerable here and say that I took a break from writing mid-year 2018 not because I struggled to find the time, but more importantly, I felt like I wasn't inspired to say anything. Nor did I feel confident that it was worth reading. I was existing through my day-to-day job then trying to put together a wedding in the evenings. And when I wasn't doing the rest, I basically laid in bed, watching videos on YouTube as other people lived more exciting, documentable lives.

At one point, I had hoped that I would find that motivation to get out and be like them. But, in reality, it was just a place to escape and not focus on my own problems.

I didn't enjoy planning my wedding (I'll get into another post) and I felt like I wasn't doing anything monumental at work because I was merely trying to keep things afloat. Quite frankly, when I look back at 2018, I really don't know what I accomplished (though I did take quite a few nice trips! Also posts to come there...)

So as I laid in bed, January 1st 2019, I asked myself 'what do you want to accomplish this year?'

A thousand voices filled my head. I wanted to be inspired, be in love with all things I created and cared for, be a good person, be someone I admired myself, be focused and reach further than I had ever dared to go.

More importantly, I desired to rebuild myself from the person I woke up as on January 1st.

This year I've already changed my environment, my home, moved in with my (now) husband, and have even more voices and fears that threaten me with every change. But instead of trying to escape out of my own mind, I do hope that this year I can reclaim what is left of me, replant my roots, and reinvent. A better version of me.

And I wanted to start that by returning to one of my first loves, writing. You will start seeing all the stories I tried running away from last year finally make an appearance on this blog, and I hope by finishing those tales I'll move more confidently into this year.

Good luck for your 2019 too.

"I wanna thrive not just survive"
- Switchfoot

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