2014 Grammy Fashion Review

by - Wednesday, January 29, 2014

currently: hating the heat.

Oh Lorde, another Grammys Fashion Review.

So I have to admit, this year I didn't watch the Grammys, at all. I know - with NZ's own Lorde being nominated, it was pretty much an excuse for the entire country to not work and just watch Grammys. But that day happened to be Auckland Anniversary, and also the day that the power company shut off our street's power until 6pm. Had I been at home instead of shopping...well it would have been a useless waste of a holiday.

And of course, this post was also delayed by Laneway on that same night (Haim was excellent thanks), followed by my net cutting out last night. Good times people.

But of course, despite not being able to catch it live the first time round, I still tried to keep up with the red carpet arrivals for my favourite fashionable event - only to be let down... I don't know if it's just me, but this year's fashions seemed a bit middle ground. That or the more extravagant stars gave attending a miss because they weren't nominated for anything (coughmileyladygaganickiminajcough).

But of course, there were still a few stars who knew how to work it, and those who didn't at all. Let the reviews begin!

To start, we may as well clear the way from all the awards Lorde wins, including Best Dressed Kiwi, Best Recycling of a School Uniform and Most Unlikely Use of Black for the artsy black gangrene finger dip she rocked during her performance.


But still, if anyone was to paint their fingertips black as an artsy move, it would be Lorde.

Moving on from New Zealand's only 17-year-old Grammy winner, to a woman that I don't even know why she's at the awards, Paris Hilton earned the Award for Mullet Philosophy, with a dress that just said "business in the front, cheap Vegas party out the back area of the club".

 
Nothing says class like not wearing underwear. Take it from Miley.
Also, why does your zipper sag like that?

The award for Woman Most Likely to be an Old Man in Disguise was almost won by Yoko Ono...
...until you realise she isn't that bad because her suit is actually cut quite nicely, and she's not hobbling about with a cane like our final winner, Madonna.
Stop trying to make Michael Jackson happen, Madonna. It's not going to happen. Not with you anyway.

But speaking of men that make it happen, one man always deserves the award for Best Dressed Male.
Neil Patrick Harris. Because he's awesome. And he's always on-point in a suit.

Most of the other men who attended did an excellent job of dressing up too, but Most Improved Male/Most Surprising Result went to Wiz Khalifa.
Cause this is a guy who had hair like a skunk. A skunk head. Who knew he could dress up this classy. Leather on the jacket lapel and even a tie - well done.

A male also took out Most Memorable Accessory, which beat out Lorde's fingernails by a point.
RnB singer and part-time Canadian Mounty, Pharrell Williams. Because you could squeeze out a lot of juice with that lemon squeeze hat.

Now of course, this leaves Worst Dressed Male. And while I couldn't find many awful suits, this guy was the only person I could pick.
Robin Thicke. Because he looks creepy and greasy, and he gives me the creeps. The other night I had a dream I punched him in the face. Unfortunately he was too tall for me to reach as he backed out of The Warehouse we apparently were at. Bizarre dream, yet explained my feelings pretty clearly. I don't know if I could even shake hands with this dude.

Anyway, moving on from men in suits, Most Predictable Outfit went to another female again this year, but this time, it wasn't for Taylor Swift:
I swear Ariana Grande has one dress for pretty much every public appearance. The same flower print dress that hits above the ankles, matched with the same half-up ponytail and a pair of pastel heels. I get you want to look cute and all but I'm tired of the tea party dress. Please introduce some variety. Polka dots perhaps? Because other prints do exist...

A woman who's queen of variety is Cindy Lauper, who wins an award for Bizzare Limb Positioning.
It's a photo where you start questioning everything you see. 'What's wrong with her legs?', 'What's wrong with her eyes?', 'Are her eyes even open or have her eyelids swelled up?', 'Is that even Cindy Lauper anymore or just a piece of stretched skin?'.

And speaking of skin, the award for Worst Reason to Wear Nude goes to Skylar Grey, who I have no idea who she is.
It looks like all the material Miley Cyrus should have had with her outfit for the VMAs instead ended up in this nude dress. Why do people think nude dresses in their nude colour is a good idea, unless your aim is to look like naked Barbie dolls?

Anyway, now we come to the good stuff. The Best Dressed Nominees. And it was hard to pick best dressed this year. But these few get some honorable mentions:
Taylor Swift in an dress that makes her look like a plastic doll, but a really nice plastic doll. The dress is gorgeous though, and she honestly looks like she has legs that go on for ages.

Colbie Caillat who puts little nude slits into a tasteful light (take note Paris). The way the petals go up her neck, the way the dress hugs her curves, and that beautiful train, all in that striking colour of red. Favourite.

Pink, for making punk rock hairstyles and rock attitudes empowering and awesome, while still rocking that gorgeous dress. It honestly suits her style and she knows how to rock things with confidence and attitude. An amazing female figure.

But the winner had to be a woman who was able to work all them curves. Including the fetus forming within her.
Ciara's pregnant belly may be one of the most difficult things to accessorise. How do you wear something that makes you look like a proud mother to be and not a puffy cow? Whatever Ciara did, do that. She's glowing and shining and looks stunning all over the place. Fierce and fab.

And now, to the Worst Dressed Females. And there were plenty (my original worst dressed list had 8). But I've narrowed it down to three finalists and one awful winner... And the nominees are:

Guliana Rancic, who, despite being host of the Red Carpet and Fashion Police, has twice appeared on my Worst Dressed list and cannot take advice she should give herself. Her dress makes me think there's a rash just forming all over her chest. Yuck.

Katy Perry - looks like she hit the wrong note with this one (haw haw, music fashion joke.) While she's a little kooky and eccentric, there is nothing attractive about wearing a shower curtain, and unforTUNEatly (haw haw) it also just makes her look much bigger than she actually is. That dress is just way too loud to be stylish (haw haw haw. Okay I'll stop.)

Kaya Jones. I have no idea who you are but please take your ill-fitting Matrix outfit back to the adult costume store you found it from.

So, what outfit really beats all of that? What became the worst of the Worst Dressed?
Whatever Western-military-freakish one leg concoction the designer was thinking when they dressed Disney star Zendaya. It honestly doesn't know what it wants to be, and it's all lopsided across the pockets at the front, and makes her look 40. And oh mY GOSH THERE IS SOMETHING CRAWLING UP YOUR LEFT ARM.
I don't know what people are thinking when they're calling this outfit "fresh and innovative." If you're into prairie clothing that came from materials in a travelling circus act, then sure.

And of course, as a final award, the infamous Lady Gaga Award, which has actually only gone to Lady Gaga once in three years. Where has she been hiding?
This year though, it goes to an unlikely recipient, but of course when you see him, it's fully understandable why he gets the award:
Shawn 'Clown' Crahan from Slipknot. Clown and Slipknot explain it all.

You May Also Like

0 comments