currently: listening to 'Got the Feelin' by 5ive. Because, why not.
Surprise! Normally I don't bother to comment on the red carpet events from film and television because... well the red carpet isn't as different. At music award shows, fashion is way more unpredictable and way more fun and extreme. Film and TV awards are a little more classy, well as classy as Tina Fey and Amy Poeheler joke about North Korea in this case. So saying that, I love the fashion and I love giving out fake meaningless awards too. Golden Globes, enjoy the milkyway red carpet treatment. It's about time you did.
First off, let's look at the best dressed New Zealander - to honour the Kiwis making it big at the Golden Globes.
But honestly, she does look great - probably the best she's ever done - despite the expression. She is a teenager after all.
Most Likely to be a Mermaid Award
If she's trying to get away from all the Llama del Rey comparisons, well it's working. Pleats everywhere is just not a great look. In fact, if you turn her dress upside down, the cut of the dress actually looks like fins.
The 'A Touch Too Much Tan' Award
You know when female body builders cover themselves with that stuff that's almost the colour of mud, and then they pose with their contestant number taped to their hips? That's pretty much what Heidi Klum looks like. Except she's super scary skinny rather than super scary muscular.
The Biggest Waste of Fabric Award
No offence J.Lo but why did you bother carrying all that fabric behind you when you weren't even going to use it to cover up? I mean you can get another 2 1/2 dresses out of that cape behind you, or use the material to curtain a backyard gazebo. It even comes with it's own entrance slit.
Most Surprising Accessory on the Red Carpet
Gloves are the most cliche accessory when it comes to dressing 'fancy' and the fact that long elbow length gloves appeared on the red carpet in 2015 is astonishing. It's just a shame she looks like a kid dressed in her mother's clothing and it doesn't fit right.
Scariest Looking Outfit
I don't know why her outfit makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's cause the shape and the cut-outs remind me of something out of the movie Alien. That and her unsettling facials.
Highest Dress Split Award (a.k.a we get it, you have a leg but so do a lot of people)
Half of the red carpet was trying to rock the high dress slit. Guys, it's not a competition on the red carpet to show off as much as you can without showing off your crotch, you know. Kate Cassidy takes it a further step too far by having side cut outs and a low neckline. Just pick one Kate. Just one.
Best Dressed Male
Because...Well... because I love him, he looks fantastic in a suit and I can cause this is my blog. Shut up.
[Benedict Cumberbatch Appreciation Moment]
Worst Dressed Male
Honestly - none of them. They were all pretty well dressed and it was hard to fault. You see, if this was a music awards show, the award would normally go to Chris Brown. Or Riff Raff.
Finally, here are the two big awards - let's start with Worst Dressed Female
The nominees are...
Amanda Peet - for repurposing a Victorian century window hanging as a dress.
Lena Dunham - because a shiny ill-fitting and weirdly constructed red dress comes off looking cheap. rather than red carpet.
Maggie Gyllenhaal - because all I see at the top of her dress is a manatee's face. I don't know why but I can't unsee it.
But the Worst Dressed Female Award has to go to...
How one of the prettiest actresses (with flawless makeup here) end up dressing like a ruffled plastic bag holder that you buy from a Japanese dollar mart... well it's beyond me. And I know she's pregnant but pregnant does not mean 'dress ugly'. I'm not even going to go near the butterfly clutch.
Now time for the Best Dressed Female nominees...
Julianne Moore - I don't know if it's by coincidence that she's also ginger but she knows how to pick a good dress that doesn't overwhelm her.
But if I had to pick only one to be Best Dressed Female:
Her dress literally looks like a flower waterfall. The purple is gorgeous and the way it flows is so beautiful. And she's stunning too.
I hope you enjoyed this Golden Globes edition of the red carpet fashion review. And by doing this, I probably just committed myself to writing about every other big awards ceremony in TV and film, darnit.
For that I deserve to post another Benedict Cumberbatch gif.
[Photos: Buzzfeed, E!Online]