A Lesson in the Fangirl

by - Tuesday, May 29, 2012

currently: meant to be writing an essay

It's been a while since I last posted (shame on me) but don't fear (or do) - once university is finished for the semester, I hope I have more to share. But for now, here's a piece I wrote for debate magazine. And I drew pictures for it while on the bus today! They're not very good drawings...

A lesson in the Fangirl
Fangirl (noun)
A fangirl is used to describe a female human being who is mentally unstable with their rabid obsession of a hot male actor, hot male musician, or in some extremely worrying cases, a fictional male character.
How the fangirl came to be:
In the beginning of the world, when God thought it was a good idea to create humans, there was no such thing as a fangirl. What a nice world it was then, because no one was crazy and everyone got to walk around happily naked in peace and harmony. But one day, Eve (from the Garden of Eden) became obsessed over an apple that was meant to be mind-blowingly amazing; or at least that’s what the talking snake said. God tried to warn them but Eve fell for her desires. And with one bite, the world became different.
Fast forward to the present day and not much has changed since Eve and the apple. Many seemingly normal female beings still fall for apples, except now apple means attractive male celebrity, and talking snakes now have marketing degrees. 
The power that encompasses the fangirl:
What becomes a growing concern is the development and collective rising of the fangirl plague. In simpler times, a fangirl could spend time with a small group of equally crazed fangirl friends, in bedrooms that had become dedicated shrines to their obsession. For society, this was normally okay because as long as the crazies could be contained within a room, it wasn’t much of a bother. But now, thanks to technology (the problem and solution to so many first world issues) fangirl cults have developed to a global scale. Forget swine flu, forget global warming, it’s an international fangirl epidemic. 
It doesn’t seem to be enough to say that you love a certain male celebrity or to draw hearts saying “Mrs Edward Cullen” in your notebooks. Now people refer to themselves in a cult following fashion, such as:
- Beliebers (a combination of Justin Bieber and ‘believer’),
- Directioners (a fangirl of British boyband One Direction),
- Mastinators (which sounds like a combination of X Factor Australia’s Reese Mastin and masturbators to be honest.)
And whenever you call a fangirl by their cult follower name, it empowers them more than ever, which makes them all the more frightening. Justin Bieber has over 21 million followers on Twitter. 21 Million. That’s almost the entire population of Australia. Or almost five times the population of New Zealand. 
In other words, should New Zealand’s own army have to face the entire Belieber force, well we’d lose. Thanks to the power of Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr, these crazed obsessed beings now have the ability to come together and become a global force. They can co-ordinate their stalking attempts, create online campaigns bigger than Kony2012, or ambush every Top 40 radio poll. They also are able to voice how needy they are over their personal social network accounts, repeatedly pleading their obsession to follow back on Twitter while saying “I LUVV U SO MUCHH MARRY ME PLZ! COZ UR SO AMAZZNG”. This can be highly irritating for the normal person who doesn’t like to encounter horrible spelling and excessive caps use.
Tips on how to not approach a fangirl:
Fangirls are very sensitive when it comes to their fangirlish loves, and because they’re females, they have the tendency to get over-emotional. Often they will cry, shriek, and flail their arms like hungry needy toddlers in order to touch the object of their desire. Never get yourself in the way of that. It is like a violent mosh pit, but with tears and manicures.
It is suggested that when faced with a large group (anything that consists more than five hormonal teenage girls), you do not approach them with criticisms of the male celebrity’s hair, music or sexuality. Fangirls never take criticism of their obsession lightly, and like most hormonal females, you should avoid accidentally pissing them off. Cause you will probably piss them off. 
Most fangirls also don’t appreciate when you call their male obsession ‘gay’, as it openly lessens the chances of a female fan getting the chance to marry them. Or, in cases of fictional fangirl loves, tell them that Edward Cullen or Jacob Black don’t exist. They are normally satisfied living in their delusional world. And oh look, they just saw a unicorn too.
This case applies even more so to the online world as there are online fangirls that will swarm on individuals that tweet “aha lmao Justin Bieber has no fckn ballz cuz hes a lezbian”. The punishment that fangirls would try to inflict on you will be long and arduous, but then again, if you do spell like this, you are asking for it. 
What can be done for fangirls?:
Well, nothing. The fangirl disease is incurable, except through time, maturity and the slowing of the bandwagon.
All that can be done is to wait for their crazy to wear off, and to buy a pair of earplugs.

You May Also Like

0 comments