2016 Academy Awards Fashion Review (aka rich people make strange clothing choices)

by - Monday, February 29, 2016

currently: listening to 'Never Knew' by The Rocket Summer


So it happened. Leonardo DiCaprio won his Oscar. Meaning there's actually no more reason to ever watch the Oscars again. Which I guess is quite good - the show itself is ridiculously long to follow. If Leo's won his long-awaited Oscar, and Benedict Cumberbatch isn't photobombing anyone, I'm not interested anymore.

However I couldn't help keep an eye on the red carpet of course. How rich people with stylists pick awful clothing will always baffle me every year.


Prettiest Shakespeare costume:
Cate Blanchett reminds me of the girls from my high school who would enter this Shakespeare costume competition. And while I'm not sure what Shakespeare play she'd best fit into, the clear showstopper would be when all the butterflies detach from her dress and fly away into the wilderness.

Prettiest woman to wear a rubbish bag:
Kate Winslet. I have no idea what sort of material she's wearing. Maybe it's latex? Spandex? Satin covered in oil slick? Or satin covered in glad wrap? Did she melt all the video tapes to Leonardo's failed Oscar attempts and shaped it into a dress as a sacrifice to the White Oscar Gods? This tight bin liner is a great shape on her - but just looks too shiny and odd.

Longest train:
Rachel McAdams who decided to attach the most amount of green satin possible to a very cheap looking outfit. FYI - cheap satin looks cheaper when it's thin and wrinkled like that.

Best dressed bump:
Chrissy Teigen is like Beyonce and J-Lo put together, except Chrissy Teigen would make a Burger Fuel run with you at 1am on a Saturday night while you're still dressed in your best, and John Legend wouldn't whinge about being sober driver and picking you up after midnight from the city. That's how I picture her personality in every outfit she chooses - and her bump was just dressed a bit prettier than Emily Blunt's subtle pink number.

Most likely to be a Oscars statue:
Margot Robbie. It's just a lot of gold. And if she turned around, she could easily be confused for the ornamental statues on the ends of the Red Carpet.

The only person able to ever pull off orange on a red carpet:
I don't own a single thing that's orange. Why? Because I can't pull it off. And not many people can, except Olivia Munn. She can also pull off a one shouldered cape and not have it come across like a weird arm sling.

Best dressed male:
Eddie Redmayne makes life unfair for everyone else. How is he 34 years old and look like he could still play an 18 year old? How does he look like a pretty decent woman in 'The Danish Girl' and still clean up like this? Way to be a buzzkill Eddie.

Celebrity most victimised by poor tailoring:
This is the most technical I'll get with fashion - but poor tailoring can really kill a dress as seen on Mindy Kaling. She wouldn't look like she was too big for her dress, or too big at all, if the tailor had just let out the seams by a couple of centimetres. It's such a shame because without that, her dress would have looked like it was worth a lot more.

Now time to get in the deep dark end of it - the worst dressed nominees are...
Amy Poehler for wearing a giant Japanese canvas as a dress. It's the type of fabric you'd see hanging on the side of a Japanese restaurant, embroidered with cranes and reeds. And that's where something like that should stay - on the side of a restaurant and not on poor fabric-drowned Amy Poehler. She's already short, and her arms look even shorter in that dress.
Kerry Washington who looks like she's ready to join in Superman vs Batman as Batgirl in formal wear. That bodice piece is ridiculously bad.

But for the worst dressed winner:
It has to go to the purple fluffy bath sponge, Heidi Klum.
Was this a rejected Project Runway creation? While the colour is pretty and the cut could seem quite edgy the chiffon just makes Heidi look twice her size and...puffy. Like those bath loofahs. Also, say no to the puffy arm sleeve, the puffy shoulder flower, the puffy waist flower... You see where I'm going with this.

Now distract your eyes from that pioneer plum poof for my best dressed nominees:
Naomi Watts. Half mermaid, half mood ring. I think what I like most about this outfit is how those colours really compliment her light skin, making her shine. And while most people would see a risk overdoing sparkles with hard bright jewellery or a bold red lip - everything works in perfect harmony.
Charlize Theron. Simply put, go bold or go home. Yes to it all.

But best dressed is by far the whole package here:
Saoirse Ronan, who looks to have taken the colour of her eyes and inspired the most gorgeous dress ever. The daring low cut neck, the swirling bead pattern, and that sharp back cut. Plus her effortless but glamorous looking hair is what I try to achieve every time I go out to town. Even though she didn't win an award, she by far wins the red carpet.

And of course, there's a Lady Gaga award at the Oscars:
Is it a jumpsuit? A dress? A cape upon cape? A napkin pleating? A Greek archway? A sad looking squid? There are so many interpretations.

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