Trying to make sense of the 2016 MTV VMAs fashion

by - Monday, August 29, 2016

currently: listening to 'Couldn't Believe' by Broods.

After watching the MTV VMAs for the past five years, I don't think even MTV know what they're doing anymore. Essentially the Beyonce and Rihanna performance night, with shout outs from Kanye West, the entire MTV VMAs left me with that look Key and Peele had after Kanye's video for 'Fade' ended with a naked she-cat hanging with a locker room of sheep.


It lacked drama. It lacked passion. It lacked Kanye West declaring himself ruler of the world in 2020. I can't even tell you who won the big award of the night. I can assume it was either Beyonce, Rihanna or Kanye West as they were the only three people I seemed to see on TV.

Even the red carpet fashion was somewhat lacking overall. When Beyonce turned up early to the event - I should have guessed that's when it truly peaked... But here's the best and worst of what I could find...

BEST UNIMPRESSED FACE
Blue Ivy Carter. As a four-year-old who had the most spectacular surprise appearance (via Beyonce baby bump) at the VMAs back in 2011 - she's clearly over the awards. No matter how cute the dress is, how much tulle she's dressed in, how tight her braids are, or how shiny her mum is, the kid's face doesn't lie. Kids are too honest.

MOST OBVIOUS BABY BUMP
Laura Perlongo and Nev Schulman. I had to Google who these people are (the guy is off MTV Catfish) but this guy was rubbing her belly in so many photos like they were trying to get a free maternity photo shoot while on the red carpet. Calm down on the belly touching, the baby isn't going to become a blue genie and grant three wishes like Beyonce's did back in 2011.

But on the topic of genies...
BEST DRESSED GENIE
Nick Cannon. His turban and all-white getup make it look like he's going to play a genie in the next Space Jam movie remake.

BEST DRESSED SALMON
Heidi Klum. I actually really like her outfit but the shiny bits on her dress just remind me of salmon skin when I forget to scrape off all the scales.

BEST LOOKING SUPER MARIO CHARACTER
Chance the Rapper. "Tonight Simon, I'm playing the third son in Super Mario's family and least popular brother of all the Super Mario brothers." And you know he's the least popular because the least popular character is always dressed in beige.

MOST CASUAL 'WHATEVER' OUTFIT and OUTFIT I'M MOST LIKELY TO WEAR
Alessia Cara. She doesn't care. Well, she cared enough to make sure she wore her cleanest, whitest sneakers possible. But after the MTV VMAs, she's probably just gonna go to the mall, get herself froyo, then go home and trawl through the Tumblr inspirational quotes and galaxy gifs.

MOST UNFORTUNATE TEXT PLACEMENT
Lance Bass. Depending on the angle he was photographed, 'Love Trumps Hate' often turned into 'Love Rumps Ate' and 'Love Trump Hats'. Make America Sew Better Jackets.

MOST AWKWARD POSE
Laura Marano. She looked like a Barbie Doll with her head spun backwards. Relax, girlfriend. Don't be so plastic.

MOST BADASS GRANDMA, MOST RHINESTONES USED, and BEST RECYCLED BRITNEY SPEARS COSTUME
Baddie Winkle. I mean you can't really say anything bad about her. You can only wish you're that cool when you get to her age.

MOST INAPPROPRIATE USE OF CHEST HAIR
Nick Jonas. Who are you, David Hasselhoff in Knight Rider? Please put your silver chain, wifebeater and 80's chest hair away.

BEST LOOKING SQUAD
Beyonce and whoever else she's standing with. Followed second by RuPaul's squad who were the ghost of outrageous MTV outfits past... Take that Taylor Swift and the 2015 cast of Bad Blood.

Now for the final awards...
WORST LOOKING MALE
Frankie Grande I don't get why he keeps getting invited other than being famous for audience reaction gifs and being Ariana Grande's brother. But he once again looks like a Twilight character, but this time, he has been dipped into a bucket of bleach at both ends.

BEST LOOKING MALE
Ansel Elgort. He definitely looked like the best looking male - if the year was 2006 and Panic! At The Disco was looking for a new bassist. #backhandedcompliment

WORST DRESSED FEMALE RUNNER-UPs
Tove Lo. While she looks great in white, she essentially wore someone else's garment carrier as an outfit. All it's missing is the hanger inside and she could put herself tidily back into the coat closet.
and Kim Kardashian. For looking like she got dressed while showering. Why does she look wet?

But for WORST DRESSED FEMALE
JoJo. Leave (Get Out) vampire top and 70s paisley print pants. It's A Little Too Late to undo the pain that pants print is doing to my eyes. Baby, It's You and your pants. And those are all the JoJo song references I can name.

BEST DRESSED FEMALE RUNNER-UP - and there's only one because it was slim pickings...
Hailee Steinfeld. I love this dress. It may come across like one of the school cross-stitch projects I did when I was 10, but I love the cut, the colours, and the shape of it all. Her hair is cute, and she looks like fun - which is what VMAs seriously lacked.

Which leaves BEST DRESSED FEMALE as...
Nicki Minaj. I'm surprised too. I mean, she had a lot of skin covered (by Nicki Minaj standards). But I love the royal blue colour and how simple and classy everything looks. From her hair to the dress flare, to the well-placed sheer panels and inserts. It was all well done - then completely undone when Nicki wore an ugly pink latex bodysuit during her stage performance. It was nice while it lasted.

And of course, one final award - the Lady Gaga Award
The one in drag who dressed in Lady Gaga's Meat Dress. Oh, those were the MTV VMA days.

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