I admit that its been a while since I last played the game. A couple of years ago, I realised that the guys in my year were just meatheads. Big, fat meatheads. They were only concerned with themselves, they chose girls like they were sunglasses. What they picked had to make them look good.
So I quit playing. I didn't need them.
And I still don't.
So why is it that I find myself thinking about it?
Because everyone assumes that if you like a guy, you should date him.
I mean yes, there is a guy I like. I'm saying it now. But no, I don't want to mess up my life by dating him. It's just time I can't afford to give away right now. I mean, crap I'm on the brink of failing one of my classes.
But I know people think when I say this, I'm making excuses.
I'm only seventeen. As weird as that sounds to say it.
And I know people are my age are all underage drinking, going to parties, buying drugs from local tinny houses, playing with hearts and sleeping round...Why do people assume that I should follow this?
Course, that's just what one side of me thinks.
Another side of me thinks I'm scared.
Cause I'm too afraid to see what will possibly go wrong.
The last time I had a serious boyfriend, my thoughts were always consumed thinking of him. Everything else was secondary...time had to be spent with him.
And I think I was wrong to do that. All my goals were messed up, my values had changed. I found myself doing things I knew were wrong, but I thought it didn't matter.
And I know if I went and told this guy how I felt, that this will then happen.
And of course, there's the positive side of me that says I'll probably get rejected anyway, and then things will be very...awkward.
Dear [him],
Call me crazy, but I have a crush on you. Weird how things like this happen.
And honestly, because I have a crush on you, it's driving me up the wall.
Don't get me wrong, I love the way you smile at me. And I love looking in your eyes.
I love it when you say my name. Some part of me feels really hopeful.
But I just don't want to play this game, I don't need the complications.
I don't want to end a victim, I don't want to feel regret.
Yes, there are so many conflicts right now, but what can I do at seventeen?
I still haven't learnt any better.
I'm probably too naive.
Does it seem worth it to play hearts and heads?
I know what I'm suppose to do.
But just so you know, it's gonna be difficult to have to get over you.
much love, Mel
This is not your song.
I'm not gonna waste these words."
[About a Girl - The Academy Is...]
