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currently: wanting to feel cold

"Come gather round people, where ever you roam,
and admit that the waters around you have grown.
and accept it that soon, you'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you is worth saving,
Then you better start swimming, or you'll sink like a stone.
For the times, they are a'changing."
[The Times They Are A'Changing - Bob Dylan]

I've always felt that sad songs fuel the loneliness of a person. It's strange how music can seem to sway your mood, that just a simple melody and a few strung words can somehow rope your heart into a pool of emotions you know you want to avoid, but you can't help falling into.
Switchfoot did a cover of Bob Dylan's song, singing that verse before going into "On Fire". It still remains to be one of my favourite Switchfoot performances.

I think it's just because this song reaches apart of me that desires to feel this certain way. I know that time is moving on, I know all around me is changing and I know I should keep up. I know that I need to stand up for myself, challenge myself, and that somewhere inside of me desires more than what I have been getting. I want to stand at the edge of me -- of my limitations.

And yet, this song makes me feel like breaking down again. As much as I don't like admitting it, you cannot imagine how many times I have broken down crying to this song. I always feel inferior, like I never do enough to feel satisfied. Then I begin to get frustrated with people, with schedules, with anything that relates to time because that means I'm not keeping up. Time begins to feel like my slow suffication.

And then somewhere in all this craziness - God comes into this. Heck, God comes into everything. And yet, after 17 years, I still haven't gotten it right.

I don't know where I'm going with this post. I don't know where I'm going with the words I speak. I need to feel fire again. But always I go back to playing the sad songs that fuel my loneliness. Where will I find what I need?

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